The Grand Staircase
by SirMapleleaf
Summary: A short story from last year about God, confusion, and Slushy Burger.


The children entered the backyard apprehensively. A massive construct lay before them which nearly painted the sky in its grandiosity. Under the shadow of the machine stood the mystical boy known as Phineas. He turned and smiled when he saw his friends.

"Hey everyone! Hey Isabella!"

Isabella approached him and tilted her head upwards in curiosity

"Whatcha…. Doin'?" Her speech trailed off as her gaze slowly lifted to meet the peak of Phineas's invention.

"Since I can apparently create anything I can conceive, I have decided to push the limits of my ingenuity and answer an interesting question at the same time."

"Spit it out brain boss," Buford heckled from the back.

Phineas rolled his eyes and then laughed at himself. "I guess I was being boring." He continued. "I'll cut to the chase; this device will allow us to breach through the heavenly gate and personally contact God—if he exists, that is."

"That sounds… Dangerous" Isabella said. Phineas examined his newly completed work. "A God which would punish me for acting upon my natural instincts is not one which I would be keen to serve under anyhow, and I would welcome my deliverance from his tyranny."

"Anyway, you may come with me or you may not, it's up to you. I can perfectly understand why you wouldn't want this question to be conclusively answered. You can wait for my return here and I assure you I will not tell you of the results, should you choose." Ferb lined up immediately behind Phineas. Reluctantly, one by one, the rest of Phineas's friends also agreed to enter the elevator leading them to heaven.

Phineas was about to pull the lever to activate the elevator when he suddenly remembered something. "Oh right, I wanted to bring Perry too. Hey wait a minute, where's Perry?"

After an escapade involving the 'evil' (a relativistic term, to be sure) Dr. Doofenschmirtz, we return to Phineas and his entourage as they ascend to the pearly gates.

Isabella looked to her sides anxiously in the elevator. "Phineas, how are you like, not even nervous at all?" Phineas met her with an emotionless gaze. "I wish I was nervous. I wish I could still feel things like that swelling in your stomach when you think something might go wrong." He softly chuckled to himself. "All my adventures have rendered me a ghost. I am but an emotionless vessel through which my ego commands the insatiable feeding of my curiosity. But for what? I don't gain any sort of real reward for my efforts. Everything which I once believed to drive me has turned out to be an apparition, and the only thing left I still believe in is that from which I believed to be running from—that which I thought it was my goal to destroy—the endless void of unknowable desire."

As the elevator breached the clouds, the party stood in silence and awaited deceleration. The air was musty and warm. As the elevator began to slow, the world outside shook violently, rattling the brains of the elevator occupants. The motion suddenly—and violently—halted, and many were thrown from their respective positions and strewn across the metal floor. Where there was once the sound of wind, there was now silence. Just as some of the children began to get up, Phineas leapt to his feet and frantically checked the readings on his dashboard. "Nope." Phineas said like someone checking to see if there's any milk left.

"'Nope'?" Baljeet asked. Phineas tapped the display. "It doesn't look like we're in heaven—these numbers are definitely off. I'd say we're in some sort of non-Euclidean pocket dimension. Totally empty. Too bad." Isabella sat up. "Can we not open the doors and find out?" Phineas laughed softly. "Sure, if you don't mind getting turned into quarks. I trust my numbers above faulty human senses anyway. We're going back."

Baljeet stood apprehensively. "Does that mean… Heaven isn't real?" "Duh," Phineas said, "and I'm none too surprised."

After a moment of silence, Phineas sensed the tension in the elevator. "We all die, it's fine. It's honestly fine." He turned to meet the collective gaze of his companions with those innocent eyes he's famous for. "Okay?"

His friends sighed and spoke in unison. "Okay."

"Glad to hear it. Now, I know you guys don't have much money, so I figured I'd treat you to Slushy Burger today. I wanted it to be a surprise for later but, I think now is a good time to say it, don't you think?"

The elevator roared and began its descent as Phineas leaned his back against the controls and smiled. "I'm gonna get a double burger I think—treat myself. What about you guys?"


End file.
